Lifeamendsapologyselfdiscovery

Sun Dec 14, 2014, 03:49 PM

 

I owe the world and the people in my life, a first of many apologies.

I've been battling with depression for the last few weeks. Just came on like a fucking hurricane. If I wasn't in the gym, at the shooting range, or fucking, I wasn't happy. Negative thoughts filled my head, hopelessness filled my feelings. Then I decide to go to the bottom, force myself to rock bottom, or my equivalent of it. I exercised like a fiend yesterday. Sat my laptop next to me, stayed at home, and did an insane workout throughout the day (5,000 reps total and it hurts like hell to move today). I only drank water (two gallons), popped a couple multi-vitamins and ate less than five hundred calories (a little cottage cheese, a little protein powder , an apple and an orange) throughout the day.

I went on here and Reddit yesterday, trying to find where I would feel happy reading stuff. Tried to think of who to call to go out and do something and I had no drive. So I kept lifting, pushing crunching, and pulling. At times I couldn't move and I yelled and I growled and I forced myself to keep exercising. I wasn't going to get a gun and blow my brains out, I'm better than that. If I was going to check out on my own it was going to be exercising or fucking, and I had no one to fuck right there and then and I didn't feel like calling anyone (ok I felt like calling a few women but I was pretty sure I wasn't going to die from exercising).

My fiancee was freaked out and made me go out to Walmart and Kohls to go shopping and I was a mess. Not wanting to talk or move. Sullen and broken feeling. She cried whenI got home because she was worried about me. I told her to let me be and let me bottom out, thankfully she listened. I poured my self a ginger ale and jack, heavy and stiff, and went to sleep. My dreams were bizarre, angry, and happy.

I woke up and felt revived, sore as hell, but spiritually revived. While I had soaked towels in sweat, perhaps I had expelled my negativity. Hungry as fuck but eager to continue my fast, so I ate some protein powder and peanut butter along with an orange. The world feels bleak and empty still but I don't feel powerless, I don't feel guilty anymore. And I realize I'm not a good person, so fuck the world, I owe it and the people in my life an apology and so I apologize-


I'm not a good person. I've known that for some time. Even though I'm more charitable, kind, and compassionate than most of my counterparts, I'm not a good person. Even though I'll forego tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees each year to help women in need of representation in divorce, paternity, and injunctions for domestic violence. I am not a good person.

Though I donate at least a hundred dollars in non-perishable food each month to a local food pantry, I am not a good person. Though I freely give food my garden plot that I sweat and sacrifice my time for, I am not a good person.

I tell people as their lawyer and as their acquantence "I'm honest, I'm ethical, and I'm evil." When one of my ex-submissive's mothers needed a lawyer. A woman who hates my guts for the mind-fuck I delivered unto her daughter, she thought of me, because she wanted the devil in her corner. I've always enjoyed the thought of being the "devil."

While at times I surround my self with people. I am a loner. I feel no attachment to this world. I hate my body, I hate my soul, and I love what horrible things I do with them. I have no true friends beyond my fiancee, she is the only person to ever get to know the real me and love me unconditionally. Every person who calls me their friend needs something from me or gets something from, and I do so in return, I am no better.

I hate that I feel a compulsive need to seduce women when I have such a loving and forgiving fiancee at home. I hate that I only feel worth in destroying people, seducing people, using people, manipulating people, taking their money and showing them I am superior to them and I can't be used beyond their value to me.

At times I wish death would take me. At times I wish to rampage and sow mayhem unto the world. At time I wish to go to hell or fall to the void.

But then...I smile and realize that's lame. And while I might be cliche at times. While I may have cannibalistic urges and desires, upon sadistic violent urges. I am still better than most people. For ignorance is bliss, and I am an all too-knowing motherfucker.

What greatness is there in being the next Ghengis Khan, Stalin, Hitler, or Osama Bin Laden? For these men are remembered but pitied and reviled by those of intelligence and in possession of humanity. There is greater greatness in being the next Ghandi, or greater than Ghandi, for it has not been done before.

So few struggle to be compassionate and kind upon the world without ulterior motive, for evil is simple and it is easy to give into. It is what we are in the absence of divinity. It is what we are when only sin is our nature. But nature is only somewhat divine.

I am flawed, I am evil, I am cruel, I am foolish, I am deluded, I am petty, I am sinful, I am lazy, I am full of avarice, and so on, and one day I will die. And upon my death there will either be nothing or there will be eternity, or perhaps both.

I am a survivor of suicide attempts and I am done with that. I may die in a plane crash, car crash, from cancer, from heart disease, from an anneurism, but I am still alive. Death is a friend I look forward to meeting but I am prepared to do much before we meet, for there may be nothing else after and why waste a chance at a good life, a great life.

So now I prepare to live. Now I prepare yet again, not for the first time, certainly not for the last time, to live for goodness, compassion, and charity. Though I may fall to sin and evil, I will do so with the intent of reaping something good and glorious from it. We all die, many too afraid to live as anything other than a member of the masses. I will live with the hope of helping my fellow man.

I will be no pacifist. I will be no fool. I will seek to help myself so I may help others. In this I am selfish, in this I am cruel, but I do not see many others seeking to lift up the broken and the damned with any great fervor.

I apologize for my past sins, I apologist for my future sins. I do not demand forgiveness, I do not expect compassion, these are things I never received in the first place. I am alive, and I will live to do good things for the many, that is the step I take forward now. For what else is there but death, and I am not afraid to die.

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Arrow 7 replies Author Time Post
Reply I owe the world and the people in my life, a first of many apologies. (Original post)
TIMETOCHANGE Dec 2014 OP
eddiepina Dec 2014 #1
Gamle-ged Dec 2014 #2
smalllivingeddy Dec 2014 #3
magdrop Dec 2014 #4
Verminhex Dec 2014 #5
Shredded Hedly Dec 2014 #6
Silent But Deadly Dec 2014 #7

Response to TIMETOCHANGE (Original post)

Sun Dec 14, 2014, 03:59 PM

1. Suck it up, buttercup.

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Response to TIMETOCHANGE (Original post)

Sun Dec 14, 2014, 04:46 PM

2. I would say that you're not a loner, that you have need for people and haven't quite...

... resolved that, as yet. I'M a loner and I'm very good with that, have been for a very long time. I can work and chat with people, hang out (rarely, and when approached to do so) do the proper family things, now that I have two groups of family within two hours drive, but on the whole by myself is the best, in my view. I do what I want, when I want, as much or as little. But that's me, others' mileage may vary...

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Response to TIMETOCHANGE (Original post)

Sun Dec 14, 2014, 05:19 PM

3. Relax

Breath deeply.

Life is good.

I've been through some of that--certainly not all of it. Do not intend to go through all of it.

"There must be some way out of here, said the joker to the thief . . .

"There are many here among us, who think that life is but a joke

"But you and me, we've been through that, and this is not our fate,

"So there must be some way out of here, and the hour is getting late."

(Bob Dylan, "All along the Watchtower")


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Response to TIMETOCHANGE (Original post)

Mon Dec 15, 2014, 02:42 AM

4. Sex is almost always dangerous,

...so if none of your S&M playmates were maimed or killed then that may not be something to be concerned about.

The cannibalism stuff sounds the most worrisome to me. I'd try to get help with that, like maybe getting yourself someone that you can talk to.

Diet and exercise are definitely beneficial, but they can only do so much. Find someone to talk to.

And don't be such a stranger around here.

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Response to TIMETOCHANGE (Original post)

Mon Dec 15, 2014, 11:32 PM

5. Get help

 

I know you won't.

If you end up having to hurt something, make it yourself.

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Response to TIMETOCHANGE (Original post)

Tue Dec 16, 2014, 12:20 AM

6. the fact that you apparently carry is a bit of a worry

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Response to TIMETOCHANGE (Original post)

Tue Dec 16, 2014, 04:01 PM

7. I think you would benefit greatly from some therapy from a qualified professional therapist.

Your comments are concerning to me. Please don't engage in self-harm, notwithstanding your denials of same, and keep the number of a suicide hotline near your telephone at home and in your wallet. Do not engage in risky behaviors that could cause you injury or worse. Get some assistance, your life can improve.

This is a temporary sensation that is a function of brain chemistry and it, too, with therapy and medication if needed, will pass.

You may have a negative view of yourself right now, but I will wager that there are people who depend on you and/or find you an important part of their lives. Don't cause them distress with intemperate conduct especially around the holidays--that's just the cruelest thing you can do.

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Lifeamendsapologyselfdiscovery